Today I met with a mom anticipating an upcoming work trip. She expressed how worried she was about leaving her daughter. She has never been away from her in 5 years and they co-sleep. Being apart from your child at any age is significant. Here is how I coach my clients who travel for business and what you may consider doing ahead of time to prepare yourself and your babies (big or small) for separation.
Work travel can feel challenging. If you are a leader at work, you are also a leader at home. And what happens when you aren’t there? Here are a few key things you can do ahead of time to feel prepared and mitigate some of the very normal worries when you need to step away from the ones you love.
Remember that not all stress is bad. Feeling stress just means you are experiencing changes, and if work travel is new, this is a muscle you are flexing. Remind yourself this is not an emergency. Feel what changes in your body when you understand how the messages you are telling yourself are sending signals to your operating system. Replace unhelpful words or phrases with compassionate messaging.
Energy goes where attention flows. Stay focused on the benefits of new experiences. Work travel can mean adult conversations with like-minded people in interesting places. Great food and beautiful scenery are a bonus. Just picture it- uninterrupted sleep, a morning routine just for you and learning experiences that will send you back home feeling refreshed and inspired!
Whether you have young children or big kids in the house, share the plan. Information is helpful, so be transparent about where you will be, what you are doing and what is happening while you are away. I like to show my daughters the website of the hotel I am staying at or photos of the people I will be spending time with. If we don’t provide this information, they will create their own story in their head. Fill those blanks in for them.
Scale down the logistics. Whether you are leaning on a husband, partner, co-parent, grandparent or nanny while you are away, keep it simple. Help them maintain a regular, predictable routine. Avoid the temptation of adding in extra layers of complexity. It’s okay to decline a birthday party or miss a soccer practice if it means preserving peace.
Be okay with things being different. Dad or Grandma may step in and not do it exactly how you would. Let that be okay. Give them the information they need and then trust that it will all get figured out! If leaving a lasagna in the freezer helps you, wonderful. But also remember how capable they are.
Support separation needs and feel the feelings. Two things can be true: you are looking forward to a trip AND you will deeply miss your family. I love helping my kids feel close to me even when I’m not with them. Some of our favourite ways to stay connected are: a photo on their bedside table, leaving them a sweatshirt to snuggle with that smells like mommy, wearing matching bracelets, a comforting essential oil that we both use, etc. Books like The Kissing Hand, Invisible String and When I’m Not With You really help with this messaging.
Be creative about staying in touch. I have had great intentions and not great outcomes with trying to FaceTime my family while away from them. The main issue that comes up is coordinating a “good time” for both of you. They reach out and you have 3 missed calls during the keynote. You could be on a quick break and trying to catch them, but that lands during the chaos of bathtime. Or they want to call you at bedtime and it’s hard to say goodbye… leading to tears. More importantly, most children have trouble holding a phone conversation. That’s a skill set they may not have built yet. Here is what might work better: send a voice note that they can press play on 10x. Or film a quick video showing your hotel room/ new surroundings and asking about their day while you blow them kisses. You get to send it when you are feeling prepared, and they get to receive that when they feel ready. Ask them to send you a voice note or video back.
Understanding the passage of time. For children under 7, time can be very abstract and a calendar isn’t usually relevant. My favourite way to help young children see time is with a sequence of Post-It notes lined up on the wall like a film strip, at their eye level, one for each day you are away. You can use different colours to show school days or weekends and they can be taken down and removed each day showing when you will return to them. You could even ask them to draw a picture of what happened on the days you were away using the Post-It notes they removed from the wall, which is a great conversation starter when you get home.
Talk about the moment of reconnection. One of the most effective ways to bridge a separation gap is by helping your child hold the vision of your return. Before you leave, make a plan for what you will do together when you get home. Tell them how much you look forward to being with them again soon. You could even say something like “as soon as I’m back, we are going to have a special Alex and Mommy night together. You can choose what we do… maybe you will pick a puzzle or maybe we can build a block castle, but don’t tell me what you are going to choose… I want you to surprise me when I get back.” It allows your child to have an appropriate amount of control in a situation where they may feel a bit powerless. The positive and loving image they will hold in the mind’s eye will keep them thinking of you while you are away and strengthens the circle of security.
Dealing with guilt is common (but not easy). When the feeling of guilt comes up for you, try to read this sensation as information, recognizing guilt as care instead of failure. Guilt shows that you really love your child, but it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. Reframe this break as a time away where you can tend to your own needs, reminding yourself you are worthy and deserving of care. Recharging allows you to come back to them more patient, grounded and emotionally available.
*Note: There are many reasons you may need to leave your family for a few days or an extended period of time. These tips also apply to a girls’ weekend, a romantic getaway, an overseas trip to care for a loved one or even a sudden loss. I have also had clients use some of these ideas when their child leaves them for overnight camp. These tips may help you now or in the future. Be sure to save them and please share with anyone who this can help.
If you have any specific questions or would like to explore working together, please reach out, I would love to hear from you.
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